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Hockey Lingo

  • "The original six" does not does not refer to the first half dozen members of The Grand Ol’ Opry.
  • "Stacking the pads" does not mean stocking the shelves of feminine hygiene products at Kroger.
  • "Saucer pass" is not a UFO flying over the trailer park.
  • "Getting chippy" doesn’t refer to the build-up of saw dust down at the mill.
  • "Power play" does not refer to Don Sundquist trying to push a bill through the state senate.
  • "Wrap around" does not refer to the trendy shades they like to wear in the $85 seats.
  • "Zamboni" is not a tropical island of the coast of east Africa.
  • "Lost his edge" does not mean he’s become less aggressive.
  • "Chirping" is hardly the melodious whistling of birds.
  • "Fore checking" is not a quadruple account at AmSouth Bank.
  • "Hitting the post" does not refer to backing your Dodge Ram into the parking barrier at Kwik Sak.
  • "Icing" is not what you find on the top of Dolly Madison cup cakes.
  • "Wrist shot" is not slang for a form of self-gratification.
  • "Face wash" has nothing to do with oxe-cuting your zits.
  • "Slashing" does not refer to O.J. Simpson’s running style nor his murder technique.
  • "Finishing your checks" does not refer to eating all of your breakfast cereal.
  • "Hat trick" has nothing to do with David Copperfield and his stylish collection of chapeaus.
  • "Tripping" doesn’t occur from hash laced brownies.
  • "Two on one rush" does not refer to Streisand and Clinton debating Limbaugh.
  • "Five hole" does not refer to one of the orifices of the human skull.
  • "Deke" is not the nickname of your third cousin from McMinnville.
  • "Camping out at the door step" doesn’t refer to the hillbillies on the porch on Hee Haw.
  • "Hip check" does not refer to a really cool closing move in chess.
  • "Glove side" doesn’t mean Michael Jackson’s right arm.
  • "Stick work" is not teaching your retriever how to go fetch.
  • "Splitting the defense" is not two lawyers working on the same case.
  • "Line change" does not refer to Rosanne Barr arguing about dialogue improvements on her sitcom.
  • "Save" does not refer to the Altar Call at First Primitive Baptist Church last Sunday morning.
  • "Top shelf" is not where your momma keeps the peanut butter.
  • "Wide open in the slot" is not referring to Sharon Stone’s police interrogation scene in Basic Instinct.
  • "Dropping the gloves" does not refer to fork-lifting a skid load of baseball mits at Wal*Mart.
  • "Snap shot" does not refer to your Kodak instamatic.
  • "Face off" is not the horribly confusing movie featuring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage.
  • "Trailer" is not the place where your ex-mother-in-law lives.
  • "Short handed" does not refer to the stumpy, child-like digits on the hands of those tiny midgets (bless their little hearts).
  • "Rush up ice" does not refer to the Canadian power trio being stranded in a fishing cabin on Lake Ontario in February.
  • "C" on a player’s uniform does not stand for “cute."
  • "A" on a player’s uniform does not stand for “available."
  • "Break out" is not referring to your Uncle Cletus’s recent attempt to shorten his 3-5 year stay in Tullahoma.
  • "Grinder" is not something to pulverize coffee beans.
  • "Linesman" is not the subject of the old Glen Campbell song about a county electrical employee.
  • "Shift" does not refer to your four to midnight slot at the plant.
  • "Cycling the puck" is not an homage to the obnoxious bicycle courier character from the second season of The Real World.
  • "Goal judge" is not a career counselor who assesses your future plans.
  • "Nailing someone" does not refer to having a racy rendezvous at The Outer Limit.
  • "Agitator" is not the pumping device inside your Maytag.
  • "Second line" does not refer to a que of socialites waiting to get into a boffo new night spot on Second Avenue.
  • "Lord Stanley’s cup" is not groin protection worn by a British dandy.
  • "Winger" does not refer to that fab late 80’s MTV stubble-faced hair band.
  • "Running around" does not refer to cheating on one’s spouse.
  • "One timer" is not a 60 second clock used for cooking eggs.
  • "In the crease" does not refer to those hard-to-get-out stains in pleated pants.
  • "Four on four" is not a double tag team match in The World Wrestling Federation.
  • "Skating room" does not refer to ‘Couples Only’ at the roller rink in Brentwood.
  • "Do ya wanna go?" is not an invitation to the prom.
  • "Throwing snow" is not shoveling snow out of your driveway.
  • "Flying through the zone" is not a flight from Eastern Time to Mountain Time.
  • "Blue line" is not the mark on your rib cage from leaning over the bar.
  • "Net" is not what is left over after expenses are recouped at your Billy Ray Cyrus promotion at the Tri-County Agridome.
  • "Body check" is not a full cavity search at Nashville International airport upon your return from Cancun.
  • "Hooking" is not what your step-sister Loretta does for extra cash.
  • "Shoot" is not what religious kids say after missing an empty net.
  • "Flopping" does not refer to the description of Chris Gaines’ magnificent album.
  • "Red line" is not the strip across your forehead from not wearing sun screen at the Charlotte 500.
  • "Mucker" is not a hair lip kid pronouncing the "F" word.
  • "Clearing the puck" is not referring to when the obnoxious character from "The Real World" was booted out of the house.
  • "Changing on the fly" is not how you get out of your work clothes in the back of your Impala.
  • "Biscuit" is not what’s served with pasty gravy at Hardees.
  • "One timer" is not referring to Ricky Van Shelton’s hit catalogue in the past decade.
  • "Go to guy" is not a 20-something uncle who gets beer at the 7-11 for his teenage nephews.
  • "Sniper" is not your buddy who bagged a 5 point buck from his fave tree stand.
  • "Shaft" is not the well that your baby cousin Jim Bob got trapped in.
  • "Charging" is not how you financed your double-wide.
  • "Boarding" is not the announcement before departure at the Greyhound Station.
  • "Double minor" is not Rob Lowe’s dream date scenario.
  • "Plus/Minus" is not the feelings of ambivalence you have towards your kin.
  • "High sticking" is not seeing who can spit the most chew on the ceiling.
  • "Sin bin" is not the quarters-only video booth at Adult World
  • "Crashing the net" is not Dale Jarrett scraping the protective fence at Talladega.
  • "Blue ice" is not one of "them new-fangled" mixed drinks with an umbrella in it.
  • "Over the boards" is not what a struggling foreigner says to explain someone falling off a ship.
  • "Division" is not a mathematical concept beyond the reach of most Alabamans.
  • "Chopper" is not the Harley Hog your deranged nephew Booger tools around in.

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