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You Suck! - Atlantic Division

Devils | Islanders | Rangers | Flyers | Penguins

Top Ten Reasons the New Jersey Bevelheads Suck

  1. A Mr. Richard Vader of Fort Lee New Jersey writes: Dear Rosanne Rosannadanna, Why does my brain hurt when I watch the Devils?
  2. There's more facial hair on their female fans than these 'lil Devils.
  3. Martin Brodeur a one time member of the Mighty Quebecers WWE tag team duo--and they blew.
  4. When Patrick Elias claims his legs are heavy after a long practice, it may be because he's being fitted for concrete shoes by Lou "Vito" Lamoriello.
  5. The putrid industrial waste that wafts across northern NJ and John Madden’s chronic halatosis.
  6. They have to live up to the incomparable winning traditions of Rutgers, Montclair State, Princeton, and Hackensack Polytechnic Institute.
  7. The circle that encompasses their logo equals the cumulative IQ of the team and the ENTIRE state.
  8. Their left wing lock neutral zone trap is as exciting as watching paint dry.
  9. Bruce Springsteen draws more people to their arena during one visit than the Devils do for an entire season.
  10. Jimmy Hoffa's grave has more depth than their roster.

More Reasons

  • Empty Nets could also mean the talent level of their co-tenants at Continental arena.
  • Any state with WaWa Mini Marts has got to have a puerile hockey team to match.
  • Jersey Cows are more fun to watch than this pack of vanilla wafers.

New Jersey Taunts

  • “The best way to drive out the Devil, if he will not yield to the texts of scripture, is to JEER and FLOUT him, for he cannot bear scorn.” -MARTIN LUTHER
  • “The Devil…the prowde spirite…cannot endure to be mocked.” -THOMAS MORE
  • 2-Hale is frail
  • 2 Hale in-hales
  • 5-Colin is a colon! (White)
  • 8-What can Brown do for you? Not much apparently.
  • 11-John Madden: you piss us off on Monday Night Football too
  • 15-Jamie’s Cry-yi-yin’ (Van Halen song)
  • 15-Langenbruener: Listen to me now and believe me later, I hear Rafalski likes to PUMP—you up
  • 15-Langenbruener: Listen to me now, and believe me later, I hear Rafalski likes to clean, jerk, and press you.
  • 15-Langenbruener: You are nothing but a little girly man
  • 16-Weimer is a weiner
  • 21-Luckowich you suck-o-wich
  • 23-Hey, Gomez, where’s Mortisha?
  • 23-Nice one, Gomer!
  • 23-Well, Ga-a-a-ly! (like Gomer Pyle)
  • 24-Matvichuk, you Matvi-suck!
  • 29-I hear Marshall is partial to men

Devils | Islanders | Rangers | Flyers | Penguins

Top Ten Reasons the New York Island Turds Suck

  1. Fellow Long Islander Billy Joel has more failed marriages (2) than they have playoff appearances in the last decade.
  2. The Central Hockey League Blazers of Oklahoma City have outdrawn the Islanders the past 10 seasons.
  3. GM Mike Milbury is to the Islanders what Meathead was to "All In The Family."
  4. Potential new head coach candidates: Larry "Bud" Melman, Handsome Dick Manitoba, and Joe Piscapo.
  5. Their average amount of victories the last 5 years (27) is also the cumulative IQ of this confab of ne'r-do-wells.
  6. How apropos that the fictional homes of George Costanza and the Ammityville Horror are the same for this travesty of a team.
  7. Alexi Yashin’s greed exceeded only by his torrid man-love for his agent.
  8. 8 years ago they scrapped the worst logo in all of hockey for the even more deplorable Gratton's Fish Sticks Man. They have since returned to the original sin.
  9. Satan and New York...a match made in Hell.
  10. If it's true that "it ain't over until the Fat Lady sings," then Beverly Sills must be in their line-up every night.

Islander Taunts

  • 1-Dunny-welcome back, you slacker
  • 1-Dunham...Mr. Too Good to be Homecoming Queen...you suck
  • 1-Hey Dunham, does your wife still wear the pants in your family?
  • 1-Dunham: Back-up!
  • 3-Hey, Tom, when you busted your arm, was it called a Poti break
  • 3-Hey, Tom, when you whisper dirty to your wife, is that a Poti mouth?
  • 3-Hey, Tom, when you learned to skate, were you then Poti trained?
  • 3-Hey, Tom, you've been with so many teams, you're nicknamed Porta-Poti
  • 4-Bouchard is a douche-ard
  • 15-Simon says "I suck!"
  • 16-York's a dork
  • 16-York's a peppermint patty
  • 17-Bates bites!
  • 17-Jail Bates!
  • 25-Lukowich you suck-o-wich
  • 32-Brendan is Witt-less
  • 32-Brendan Half-witt
  • 39-Hey DiPietro, Britney called!
  • 39-Britney loves Kevin!
  • 44-Niinimaa is a ninny
  • 45-Aaron, you're such a dumb Ash-am
  • 55-Blake is a flake
  • 25-Lukowich you suck-o-wich
  • 77-Alexi is full of Zhitneck
  • 79-Yashin, throw me a frickin’ bonus
  • 79-Yashin, it’s time for your trashin’
  • 79-Yashin’ wants to cash-in
  • 79-Hold on!…Yashin says he’s gonna hold out unless he’s paid another $14,000 for this Power Play
  • 79-I’d rather be thrashin’ Yashin
  • 79-Yashin’s favorite songs:
    4) Money Is What I Want
    3) It’s All About the Benjamins
    2) Money For Nothin’
    1) She DOESN’T Work Hard For the Money
  • 79-Yashin’s favorite movies:
    3) The Money Train
    2) Fist Full of Dollars
    1) The Money Pit
  • 79-Yashin’s favorite TV Shows:
    3) Greed
    2) Who Wants to be a Trillionare?
    1) The Price ISN’T Right
  • 79-Yashin’s favorite movie characters:
    3) Richie Rich
    2) Gordon Gecko
    1) Mr. Potter

Devils | Islanders | Rangers | Flyers | Penguins

Top Ten Reasons the New York Stranger-than-Fictions Suck

  1. Coach Renney doesn’t like hockey jokes - he sees too many of them skating for his team each night.
  2. The size of the Ranger's payroll and their performance on the ice is directly proportional to an anvil being dropped from the Empire State Building.
  3. David Letterman's mom could out-hit Martin Straka.
  4. Players moonlight as choreography coaches and seamstresses on Broadway.
  5. Kevin Weekes is to goaltending what Newman was to Seinfeld.
  6. Have hired Lou Reed and David Byrne to teach psycho stare-down techniques to pantywaste defensive corps.
  7. Yankees, Mets, Knicks, Nets, Giants, Jets, Islanders, Devils…and for good measure, the Metro Stars.
  8. Structural engineers are studying the space between Kevin Weeke’s legs for a new entrance to the Holland Tunnel.
  9. The Brooklyn Brawler is tougher than Jaromir Jagr.
  10. If tradition holds, their next Cup will come in 2044.

New York Ranger Taunts

  • 6-Kasparitus: A psychosis where you are scared of friendly ghosts
  • 14-You don't know Shanahan from Shinola
  • 14-Excuse me while I go take a Shanahan
  • 14-That's a heaping load of Shanahan
  • 19-All Betts are off regarding your career
  • 24-Ozolinsh is a bozo-linsh
  • 24-Ozolinsh's defensive technique is like the ozone layer: full of holes
  • 25-Prucha you suck-a
  • 34-Strudwick is a dud-wick
  • 68-Jagr is a Yag-off
  • 81-Hossa is a hoser

Devils | Islanders | Rangers | Flyers | Penguins

Top Ten Reasons the Philadelphia Friers Suck

  1. Their uni's make them look like jack'o'lanterns on ice.
  2. Bobby Clarke's fuse is as long as Kojak's haircut.
  3. Daroem Hatcher's lumox-like skill level.
  4. Apollo Creed has about as much chance of beating Rocky Balboa as Nittymaki beating anyone.
  5. The amount of teeth missing in Darien Hatcher’s mouth equals the teams cumulative IQ.
  6. The brotherly love so well documented between Bobby Clark and ... well ... anybody!
  7. 1776 is also the same number of fighting majors for the '75 Broad Street Bullies.
  8. Esche Hole!
  9. The only thing harder than Bobby Clarke’s thick skull? Ken Hitchcock's heart.
  10. When Philly fandom has been known to boo Santa Clause, you inhale with abondanza.

Flyer Taunts

  • 12-Gagne is a gagger
  • 21-Forsberg mans "Titanic Buttneck" in Swedish
  • 24-Kapanen ain't happenin'
  • 28-Somebody raze Kane
  • 33-Cote, you skate just like your long, lost brother, Patrick
  • 42-Dumb Esche! Dumb Esche! Dumb Esche!
  • 49-Ooooh, you’re such a savage

"The Coaches, They Are a-Changin'"

(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF “The Times, They Are a –Changin’ by Bob Dylan)
Come teachers of hockey, the Flyers will call.
Our team is the best, our team will stand tall.
But your chances of lasting the season are small,
It's a new coach they'll be namin'
They'll screw with the team, but you'll take the fall,
For the coaches are a-changin'.

Come Murray and Cashman, you leaders of men,
It's not a matter of "if," it's a matter of "when."
And soon Bobby Clarke will change coaches again,
He has a knack for re-arrangin'.
He won't stop at nine, he won't stop at ten,
For the coaches are a-changin'.

Come Roger, the expert, the video bloke,
Who knew that your team would stumble and choke?
Though Neilson was the most decent of folk,
Clarke started a storm a-ragin'.
"This wouldn't have happened if the bastard had croaked!"
And the coaches are a-changin'.

Come Ramsey and Barber, you won't be the last,
As the Flyers try vainly to recapture their past.
The crew is in mutiny, and you're tied to the mast,
You were young, but now you're agin'.
It's your name and your talent that Clarkie will blast,
For the coaches are a-changin'.

How does he do it, this ignorant putz?
He hires and fires and trades like a klutz.
His coaches were all such innocent mutts,
But their funerals he was stagin'.
He ought to be canned, but Snider ain't got the guts,
So the coaches are a-changin'.

(from Game Night Revue)
Devils | Islanders | Rangers | Flyers | Penguins

Top Ten Reasons the Pittsburgh Sanguines Suck

  1. More slovaks in one place than an Eastern Block trade school reunion.
  2. Fleury’s goal tending technique has bigger holes in it than the Ft. Pitt Tunnels.
  3. What was once the City of Champions is now more like the City of Chumps.
  4. Jarko Ruutu's face looks like Mean Joe Greens cleat scraper.
  5. It’s difficult for Sidney Crosby to skate well with that siler spoon wedged up his sphincter.
  6. Not even infamous Steel Curtain could plug the Pens' porous excuse for a blue line corps.
  7. Bing Crosby could hit harder than Sidney.
  8. Sergei Gonchar has the defensive skill of the Washington Generals.
  9. Malkin does so much cherry pickin' he should start his own fruit groves.
  10. Lot’s of "O" in the attack zone, even more "Oh-No!" in the defensive end.

Penguin Taunts

  • 8-Recchi makes me rech-
  • y
  • 10-LeClair LeSucks!
  • 26-Petrovicky makes me petro-sick-y
  • 37-Ruutu meet Tootoo
  • 37-Jarko Ruutu--what is that? Jar Jar Binks' girlfriend?
  • 41-Hey, Jocelyn, will they let your wife play, too?
  • 87-Sidney is so special!

You Know You're From Pittsburgh If:

  • You know the only way to make good fastnacts is to cook them in LARD
  • You live within two miles of a plant that makes potato chips, corn chips, pretzels, candy, or ice cream, or that packages turkeys, beans, or bologna.
  • You ask the waitress for "drippy eggs" for breakfast.
  • You do things "once," as in "I'll go check in the back room once."
  • YOUR turkey has "filling," not "stuffing," and most certainly, NOT "dressing."
  • Your neighbors' names are Driebelbis, Stolfus, Lebo, Peachy, Yoder, or anything ending in "baugh or “ouch” or “ski.”
  • You say things like, "Outin’ the lights," "I'm calling off today," and they're calling for snow."
  • You've heard of distelfinks and hex signs.
  • Red Beet Eggs makes your list of top ten favorite foods.
  • You pronounce "Suite" as SUIT, not SWEET.
  • You say you're going out to the shed "AWHILE," instead of "FOR AWHILE"
  • You only buy your beer and soda by the case.
  • You think the roads in any other state are smooth.
  • Hearing horses clopping down a paved street doesn't bring you to the window to see what's going on outside.
  • You call sloppy joes "barbecue." or "chipped ham" ( Isley's preferred)
  • You think Medium Rare equals Well Done.
  • When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
  • You can give direction to Intercourse with a straight face.
  • You only own three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup.
  • You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  • You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
  • Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
  • You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
  • You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
  • Your snow blower gets stuck on your roof.
  • You think the start of deer hunting is a National Holiday.
  • You find -20F "a little" chilly.
  • The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
  • You know the four seasons : Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
  • The municipality buys a Zamboni before a school bus.
  • You don't understand how anyone could watch a football game without either halupki, halushki, or kielbasi.
  • You don't understand why all sports commentators don't sound more like Myron Cope.
  • Words like: gumband; buggy; hoagie; chipped ham; and pop actually mean something to you.
Devils | Islanders | Rangers | Flyers | Penguins

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