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Biblical & Shakespearean Suck

Biblical | Shakespearean

Biblical Taunts

(After each curse is uttered it is followed by a hearty “THUS IT IS WRITTEN…THUS IT SHALL BE DONE!”)

  • May thy hindquarters have much swelling; yea therefore thy haunches shall be known as behemouth saith the Lord!
  • O that thou wouldest be smitten with all-over boils, thou relative of Herod!
  • Wherefore thou have dealt falsely and sown plentifully thy transgression, thy spoiler shall suddenly come upon thee and thence you will find no deliverer, ye boorish Scandanavian!
  • Harken, thou irritating inhabitant of Gath, for thou wilt be thrown into a den of hyperactive lions!
  • May the flames of eternal hell-fire lick away the very flesh of thy bones, so ye shall be disinvited from eternal bliss and welcomed heartily into the bowels of Beelzebub!
  • Thou shalt be trampled by a herd of stampeding pigs, O ye lying Girgashite!
  • Verily I say unto you, thou degenerate and unholy vermin, ye shall wallow in the depths of the Eastern Conference and thy shame wilt know no boundaries!
  • Hear this, thou of little faith, for ye will be masticated by a cloven-hooved hefer!
  • As thy sons and daughters are feasting and drinking a mighty wind shall sweep in from the desert, striking the four corners of their house, and it shall collapse upon them until they are quite dead!
  • May ye be trampled by a herd of stampeding pigs, thou breaker of the commandments!
  • Though ye gird up thy bow and spear and lie in wait for my beloved, I will executeth thy lineage, and damn thee to hell!
  • I pray thou shalt beget difficult teenagers, O ye babbling Assyrian!
  • How art thou to be justified when thy defilement dwelleth in the Temples of Baal and thy pleadings are arrayed in e-vil? Therefore, ye shall suckle on the breast of a garlic-swilling wildabeast for the rest of thy days!
  • Thou shalt be kicked by an incontinent camel, O ye bull of Bashan!
  • May this be a portent for thy inheritance: Go ye not into the land of unrestricted free agency, for it is likened unto sleeping with harlots, and thy shame shall be broadcast amongst the nations by brother Buccigross!
  • Hear this, O thou breaker of the commandments, for you will go on a diet of crunchy, unsweetened locusts!
  • Thy victory column shall be laid waste without an inhabitant--no, not even one!
  • May three raiding parties of Chaldeans sweep away thy camels, put they descendants to the sword, and may the fire of God fall from the sky and burn up all thy sheep and servants!
  • Harken, thou plaything of Beelzebub, for thy belly shall swell with seething travail and burst like old wine skins upon thy fine robes!
  • Naked ye came from the womb, and naked ye shall depart. The Lord shall stretch out his hand and strike thy flesh and bones. Ye wilt surely curse God and die!
  • Thou shalt see thy pomegranates wither, thou sulphurous nonentity!
  • Ye have plowed e-vil and now must reap what ye have sown, oh house of grievous revolters. For that I shall smite thy buttocks with robust portions of woe!
  • Hear this, thou who art a byword for idiocy, for thou wilt be smitten with all-over boils!
  • May the birds of the air disembowel themselves upon thy countenance, thus burying thy reprobate body in layer upon layer of sulpherous whitewash!
  • I pray thou shalt be mocked by eunuchs, oh thou of little faith!
  • Though thou clothest thyself in a garment of many colors and deckest thee with brilliant ornaments, thy brazen appearance is that of a foresaken harlot, whereby my flock squinteth to behold thy vain abomination, and thus many cities shall despise thee!
  • Hear this, O thou lazy Abizerite: a pox on thee and thy children’s children, may thy seed be as barren as thy heritage is of Lord Stanley’s Cup!
  • Behold, I will stretch out my hand, and a clan of swift dromedaries shall come to know thee repeatedly (in a bliblical sense), O thou love-child of Methuselah!
  • May ye be plagued with gnats, flies and locusts, O ye creature of the pit!
  • And it shall come to pass that thy victories shall be scattered as dust upon the wind, and thy losing will be multiplied as days without number!
  • May thy bowels become loose after feasting upon hyena meat and lentils and may ye wallow in thy own syrupy waste!
  • O that thou wouldest be kicked in ye nether regions by an unbridled ass, O thou discourager of the brethren!
  • Since you have haughtily sown justice among thorns and setteth snares for the upright ye shall be entangled in thy own covetous backslidings and shall wanderest in the land of deserts and of pits and of the Southeastern Division!
  • May thouest be swallowed by a whale with excessively bad breath, O ye child of Jezebel!
  • Harken to me now: Prepareth to be swiftly laid waste by my people who shall roareth like the sea. Whence thy ears shall bleed, and thy spirit bow to the enloudened supplications of the Tribes of Tennessee!
  • Hear this, O ye armpit of Satan, for you will be captured by Midianite maniacs!
  • May a goodly number of ravenous jackyls tear at thy loins and gorge themselves upon thy limp manhood!
  • Take heed, thou son of a Philistine, for you will be cast onto a steaming dung-heap!
  • May thy skates not turn to thy left nor to thy right, but may they set thy course straight into the boards—which shall not forgive—leaving thee sorely bereft of the breath of life!
  • Thou shalt go about weeping and wailing in sackcloth and ashes, O thou denizen of the underworld!
  • Thus sweareth the Lord God Almighty: I shall break forth on all the inhabitants of thy accursed city, thy feeble reparations will melteth, and thy perverse pride shall I smite with my fierce anger! Yea, even Detroit shall look beautiful in comparison with thy lot!
  • May the cattle of a thousand hills fertilize thy faces and make water on thy women!
  • The Lord declareth that a stampeding herd of swine shall most certainly hasten thy demise and prevail upon thy hallow vanity, ye innoble sons of Sheba!
  • I hope thou will falleth under a speeding chariot, O ye son of an Amelikite!
  • May thy wayward free agents return from whence they departeth, whereby bespoiling thy plans and casting thy hope to a far country!
  • Hear this, O ye lying Girgashite, for ye shall be plagued with gnats, flies and locusts!
  • May a never ending bespoilt stench rise from thy own nether regions filling thy nostrils with woe and causing thee to bitterly weep rivers of tears!
  • Even though thou wash thyself with nitrates and take much soap, yet thine iniquity is marked and will findeth no pardon, saith Yaweh, the Lord of Hosts!
  • May you be pursued into the mountains by sex-mad baboons, O thou sad Pharisee!
  • Heed these warnings: Shy away from the circumcision of thy own curved stick; nay, flee from the skates that be sharpened and aim-ed at thy jewels, for thy lineage may be harmed forevermore!
  • Hear this, O thou hybrid creature of a wild goat and a rat, for thou wilt accidentally insult Goliath!
  • May ye be afflicted with painful, oozing, open sores from the soles of thy feet to the top of thy head. May ye have to scrape them with the jagged edges of broken pottery as ye wallow in thy suffering…which is great!
  • Listen, thou son of a Haggoyim, for you will become as popular as a boil on the king's backside!
  • Thou shalt bathe in the excrement of hippopotomi and wash thy hair with the bitter bile of a barren she-wolf!
  • Listen, O ye offspring of a squashed cockroach, for thou wilt be as welcome as a fart in the queen's bedchamber!
  • The fury of God shalt come forth like fire upon your perverse iniquity, and it shall burn so that none can quench it because of the e-vil of thy doings, you damn Canadians!
  • O that thou wouldest be plagued with lecherous jock rot, thou whose name is but dung!
  • Thou shalt lie down in thy polluted shame and confusion shall cover thee; thy lamentations and howlings shall not be acknowledged, since the Lord God can’t comprehend thy Slovak babblings!
  • Behold, thou shalt crash the king's best-loved chariot, O thou Sabean dog!
  • Thy battlements shall become wearied and quite desolate in thy aging state, causing thee to bewaileth as a weeping infant; in thy travail, thou wilt become known as the House of Perpetual Calamity, or the Land of Wings that be Red!
  • Behold, thou shalt be whipped with a thousand scorpions, O thou lazy sons of Abimelech
  • I shall utter my judgements upon thy forsaken lot: Thy treacherous wickedness shall be avenged as every hair on thy head is plucked and replaced with the venom of myriad tarantulas!
  • Woe unto thee, O thou son of an Egyptian cat, for you will be turned into a pillar of salt!
  • Listen, O thou wayward winebibber, for you will be taunted by the king's concubines!
  • Hear this, O thou babbling Moabite, for you will have more mother-in-laws than King Solomon!
  • May you be captured by Nebuchadnezzar’s maniacs, O ye dabbler in abominations!
Biblical | Shakespearean

Shakespearean Taunts

  • Thou tottering rude-growing malt-worm
  • Thou surly plume-plucked bum-bailey
  • Thou dissembling half-faced measel
  • Thou jarring idle-headed mammet
  • Thou warped flap-mouthed hedge pig
  • Thou bootless elf-skinned maggot pie
  • Thou fobbing rough-hewn giglet
  • Thou arltess dog-headed flax wench
  • Thou qualling boil-brained nut-hook
  • Thou puking pox-marked knotty-pated scut
  • Thou rank clapper-clawed clotpole
  • Thou milk livered- onion-eyed boar-pig
  • Thou cockered pottle-deep gudgeon
  • Thou reeking sheep-biting joithead
  • Thou fawning spur-galled miscreant
  • Thou wayward hasty-witted moldwarp
  • Thou craven beetle-headed haggard
  • Thou venomed rump-fed minnow
  • Thou droning hell-hated mumble news
  • Thou currish dog-hearted death token
  • Thou bawdy folly-fallen fustilarian
  • Thou fobbing guts-griping hugger-mugger
  • Thou cockered bug-bear dewberry
  • Thou warped swag-bellied lewdster
  • Thou mangled kooty-pated codpiece
  • Thou ruttish ill-nurtured whey-face
  • Thou froward full-gorged barnacle
  • Thou mewling toad-spotted vassal
  • Thou lumpish motley-minded flirt-gill
  • Thou yeasty base court horn beast
  • Thou infectious tardy-gaited foot licker
  • Thou vain beetle-headed joit head
  • Thou beslubbering clay-brained baggage
  • Thou surly fat-kidneyed coxcomb
  • Thou unmuzzled beef-witted pignut
  • Thou paunchy dread-bolted harpy
  • Thou spleeny ticke-brained pigeon egg
  • Thou goatish dismal-dreaming pumpion
  • Thou rougish shard-borne wank splash
  • Thou venomed crook-pated ratsbane
  • Thou clouted pottle-deep fen-suck
  • Thou errant urchin-snouted flap-dragon
  • Thou infectious bat-fowling clack dish
  • Thou goar-bellied dog-hearted varlet
  • Thou impertinent ill-breeding death token
  • Thou spongy dizzy-eyed canker-blossom
  • Thou gleeking fully-fallen puttock
  • Thou frothy common-kissing clotpole
  • Thou logger-headed guts-griping gudgeon
  • Thou mewling earth-vexing apple-john
  • Thou beslubberring half-faced skainsmate
  • Thou dankish fly-bitten lout
  • Thou puny weather-weary strumpet
Biblical | Shakespearean

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