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You Suck! - Central Division

Blackhawks | Blue Jackets | Red Wings | Blues

Top Ten Reasons the Chicago Black Holes Suck

  1. "Chicago" is native American word for "stinky onion." Never was a more appropriate moniker applied.
  2. Last time they won the Cup, Kennedy was President and tail fins were still in style.
  3. If chewing Chicago’s own Wrigley Spearmint gum is “pure chewing satisfaction,” then rooting for the Black Holes “is pure sucking satisfaction.”
  4. They have the Wirtz owner in the league...get it?!
  5. With all the wind up there, you’d think occasionally a puck would blow over the goal line.
  6. It's sad that the biggest roar of the night at your home games is during the National Anthem.
  7. The only thing their fans have had to smile about in 9 years: Stan Mikita's Donuts in the "Wayne's World" movie.
  8. There are more holes in Khabibulin's technique than Frank Dillinger's bullet-ridden body.
  9. They have 8 colors in their logo, the same as their owner's IQ.
  10. Ask any astronomer, it's a scientific fact: Black Holes suck.

More Reasons

  • They are maloderous, sticky, leave nasty stains, and are toxic ... wait, that's black TOP. Oh well, same difference.
  • Two words: Wacker Drive.
  • When you squeeze 'em, white puss shoots out ... wait, that's black HEADS

Chicago Taunts

  • 2 Hey Duncan, go get me some bear claws, a couple cream-filled, and a cup of coffee
  • 5 Cullimore you suckimore!
  • 6 Lasse (Kukkonen) come home!
  • 6 Lasse--what is it girl? Has Nikolai fallen into a well?
  • 6 Kukkonen you suck-onen
  • 14 Hey, Renee, will they let your husband play, too?
  • 15 Looks like they hired Roto-Ruutu to clean things out
  • 15 Rutuu meet Tootoo
  • 19 Arkhipov: Slacker
  • 19 Hey Arkhy, who is your designated skater?
  • 19 Arkhy says (in whiney voice) "Why do we have to practice so hard?"
  • 22 LaPoint LaSucks!
  • 23 Somebody smear Vandermeer
  • 24 According to his wife, Havlat doesn't have much
  • 31 Boucher is a douch-e'
  • 34 Reed Low blows!
  • 53 Nikolai: You suck, comrade!

The Black Holes Song

(To the melody of the Oscar Mayer Bologna song by the little boy)

These losers have a first name
It's B-L-A-C-K
These losers have a second name
It's H-O-L-E-S
They blow their games in every way
And if you ask their fans they'll say
The Chicago Black Holes have a way
With S-U-C-K-I-N-G


Blackhawks | Blue Jackets | Red Wings | Blues

Top Ten Reasons the Columbus Flapjacks Suck

  1. Blue Jackets...what the hell? Why not Tool Belts or Flannel Pants?
  2. Since Columbus is known as "The Test Market of America," the fans should be prepared to have their patience tested.
  3. Yellow Jackets. Blue Jackets. One stings...one sucks.
  4. In 1492 Columbus discovered America. In 2001 Columbus will discover purgatory.
  5. Seriously, the Mad Cows would've been better.
  6. Their arena is named after Nationwide Insurance. What's the deductible on a second season disaster like this?
  7. Kent State, The Cincinnati Who Concert, and the Cuyahoga River Fire welcome this franchise as the fourth great debacle of Ohio's history.
  8. The New Orleans Hornets already made a mistake over a decade ago with the same logo.
  9. Sometimes you’re the windshield, but in their case, sometimes you’re the bug.
  10. Blue Jackets or B.J.'s for short.

More Reasons

  • O.S.U.'s mascot is a nut. "nuff said.
  • Mud Hens, Buckeyes, and now Blue Jackets form the Triumvirate of Stupid Statewide Monikers.
  • That annoying Peter Falk and his crumpled trench coat...wait, that's Columb-O.

Columbus Taunts

  • Welcome to Ohio...now set your watch back 20 years
  • Why don’t you take up crochet and knit yourselves some REAL uniforms?
  • 4 Berard: Roid Boy
  • 4 Don't hit Berard, he may go into a roid rage
  • 17 Brule is a freakin' fool
  • 19 Hey, Picard, if you're looking to "engage" Hordichuck, he will "make it so!"
  • 19 Hey, Picard, where's Worf? How about Data? And Number One?
  • 27 Manny is a tranny
  • 31 LeClair: is it true that you are cream filled?
  • 31 Don't squeeze LeClair, he'll ooze out of both ends
  • 40 Somebody go ballistic on Balastik
  • 40 Hey Balastik, you Bala-suck
  • 45 Shelly is a yella-belly
  • 49 Fritsche thinks he's a Big Boy
  • 52 Foote up your ass has a whole new conotation w/ Adam on the team
  • 52 Hey Adam, the movie "My Left Foot" is not about you...but it's close.
  • 61 Turn Rick into Nash potatoes
  • 97 Klesla—hey that crappy 80's harband is making a comeback—what about you?
  • 91 Federov: Anna loves Enrique
  • 91 Federov is a sissy
  • 91 Federov, w/o the Dead Things around you, you suck!
  • 91 Despite evidence to the contrary, Anna says you are NOT a cherry picker

Top 10 Rejected Blue Jackets Marketing Slogans

(From Game Night Review in St. Louis)
  1. Hey, It's Something To Do When The Buckeyes Aren't Playing
  2. At Least We're Better Than The Islanders
  3. We Promise To Crush Any Small-Time, Smart-Ass Publishers Who Write Papers About Us
  4. Give Us Five Years And Then We Might Be Good
  5. We've Never Been Dumped In The First Round Of The Playoffs
  6. Gary Bettman Thinks Columbus Is A Major-League City
  7. Don't Worry About Saving Up For Playoff Tickets
  8. We'll Make Everyone Forget The Cleveland Barons . . . Oh, Wait, Never Mind
  9. We're Not Losers, We're "Victory Challenged"
  10. We Have No Idea What The Hell A Blue Jacket Is Either

Blackhawks | Blue Jackets | Red Wings | Blues

Top Ten Reasons the Detroit Wing Dings Suck

  1. The city that brought us the Edsel, the Rambler, and the Pinto has to divert their shame to a "Hockey Town" moniker.
  2. Red rhymes with Ted...and Nugent makes us ill.
  3. Leipold is shipping in 20 million gallons of Visine to flush the GEC and get the red out!
  4. They make more excuses than Lee Iococa.
  5. Chelios and Schneider are still looking for walkers that have skates attached.
  6. When they hit the ice, they look like a convention of department store Santas
  7. The 8 legs of their octopus equals their cumulative IQ.
  8. The color of their uni’s matches the shade of their lipstick.
  9. A wing sticking out of a tire--no wonder the foreigners have built better automobiles.
  10. Detroit is the Murder Capitol of the USA, but the Dead Things will get KILLED in Smashville!

More Reasons

  • Bill Lambier, Mark Aguire, Vinnie Johnson, Isaiah Thomas, John Salley, Dennis Rodman...
  • Had the Japanese auto industry completely taken over the city, the team's name would've been pronounced "Led Rings."

Detroit Taunts

  • De-troit Dead Things (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) Ge-ri-a-trics (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)
  • Your underwear is the same color as your uniforms
  • Your nail polish is the same hue as your uniforms
  • Stop the Red Menace from spreading
  • Real reason for octopus tradition: A perfect mascot for Wings ‘cause they’re both smelly, slimy, spineless bottom feeders
  • Defeat the Red Army
  • The Salvation Army called…they want their Santa suits back
  • I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
  • Red Wings: Whin-ers!
  • Age and treachery will occasionally triumph over youth and skill


  • 2 Somebody roast Fischer's nuts!
  • 13-Datsyuk, you SUCK!
  • 15 Markov is a jag-off
  • 15 Markov is a goof-ov
  • 24 Chelios is a Sissy!
  • 24 Chelios, the old folks home called…you were due back 3 hours ago
  • 30-No Good! No Good! No Good!
  • 30-Osgood, you look disturbingly like Elroy Jetson
  • 30 Ozzy--even Sharon's TV show didn't suck as much as you
  • 30 Sharon! Sharon!
  • 30 Jack...how do you work this frakin' remote?
  • 33-Draper, you're a dripper without your Depends

The Red Wings Suck

(to the tune of “Blitzkrieg Bop” by the Ramones)

Ay! Oh! Wings blow!
Ay! Oh! Wings blow!
Ay! Oh! Wings blow!
Ay! Oh! Wings blow!

Holmstrom thinks he’s tough stuff
Osgood doesn’t have enough
Zetterberg’s a jag-off
The Red Wings suck!

Maltby is a jock rash
Datsyuk wants more cash
Draper’s a wank-splash
The Red Wings suck!

(Bridge)
Ay! Oh! Wings blow!
Fischer skates like J-Lo
Lang plays like a no-show
Chelios is a prison ho

All they want is money
Elimination’s funny
Their future is not sunny
The Red Wings suck!

We hate the Red Army
Their fans they are so smarmy
In Hell they will be warm-y
The Red Wings suck!

Din-Dong, The Wings Are Dead

(To the tune of "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead" from "The Wizard of Oz")

Ding-Dong, the Wings are dead
Wicked Wings, the Wings are dead
Ding-Dong, the wicked Wings are dead!
v Hi-Ho, the merri-o
Sing it high, 'cause they sure blow
Ding-Dong, the wicked Wings are dead

CHORUS:
They've gone where the losers go
Below, below, below
You ho! Let's open up and sing
And ring the bells now

Ding-Dong, the Wings are dead
Wicked Wings, the Wings are dead
Ding-Dong, the wicked Wings are dead!

Top 11 Ways to Pronounce Detroit

  1. De-TROIT
  2. DEE-troit
  3. DEs-gusting
  4. Dork-troit
  5. DE-trash
  6. Murder-troit
  7. DE-Bowman butt kissers
  8. DE-pends undergarments
  9. DE-Ice Dancers
  10. Dirt-troit
  11. A-Holes

More Fun

Red Wings Suck

From April 2003 when the Dead Things were swept in first round by the Mighty Sucks:

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
but there is no joy in "Hockeytown" --
the mighty Dead Things have Ducked out.

Sorry, but your time has come to a close. But before you go, we'd like to offer some lovely parting gifts, including the "Stanley Cup Playoffs Play-At-Home Version" of our game.


Knock Knock
*Who's there?*
Owen
*Owen who?*
Owen Four

Knock Knock
*Who's there?*
Four
*Four who?*
Fore-Gone-Conclusion

"Those ten year olds sure beat you bad"
"Adam Banks sure lit you up."
"It wasn't a kids movie when the Ducks beat you!! You were supposed to play hockey!!!"
"Walt Disney was proud of ya"
"You won as many Playoff games as us"
Detroit Thanks for playing…You are the weakest link BYE BYE

In a recent edition of the Hockey News, Brett Hull had an article titled, "Hockey My Way." The article listed 10 things Hull would do to improve the NHL. However, with all of our connections in the janitorial and surveillance fields, we were able to find the ideas of Hull's that didn't make the final cut:
  • Sell nudie bar and tobacco companies dasher-board advertisements.
  • Eliminate the two-line pass, the three-line pass ... hell eliminate passing all together.
  • Institute a contest of firing pucks at coaches to be used as the new tiebreaker at All-Star games.
  • Award all 700-goal scorers with 600-goal-scoring fathers with a lifetime supply of toupees and hair weaves.
  • Retire No. 16 throughout the NHL. Also, retire it at all levels of hockey including minor leagues, roller hockey, and sled hockey.
  • Make the Trainwreck Saloon the official post-game party and pick-up bar for the NHL.
  • Clone Brigitte so all NHL buildings can have one.
  • Create an All-Canadian division made up of only the financially healthy Canadian teams and name this division "Toronto."
  • Eliminate the goal crease from view in video/film footage of any Cup-winning goals scored between 1999 and 1999.
  • Help ex-players ease into civilian life by giving them jobs. For instance: Get Eddie Belfour a job in hotel security. Get Dino Ciccarelli and Geoff Courtnall jobs as limousine company executives. Get Kevin Stevens an escort service. Get Bob Probert on with Border Patrol.
  • Every team must add a third assistant coach who must be a big-breasted mixologist.
  • All gloves must permanently be sewn to the sleeves of the sweater.
  • Adopt the soccer scoring system giving two points for a goal and only one for an assist.
  • Re-name the one-timer to "The Hullie."
  • All Canadians not good enough to play for Team Canada become dual citizens and may play for any lesser country.
  • Institute weight limits for forwards to a minimum of 215 lbs.
  • Allow all 30-goal scorers to refer to themselves in the third person during ESPN interviews.
  • Make goalies go back to not wearing masks.
  • No longer make it a penalty to criticize the officials before, during or after a game.
  • Beer tappers will be placed on each end of every bench.
  • Replace the non-charismatic Wayne Gretzky with Hull as the official goodwill ambassador and spokesman for the NHL.
  • Paint the circles blue like the goal creases and not allow opposing players to enter while a shot is in progress.
  • Ban Mike Keenan from the NHL for life.

Blackhawks | Blue Jackets | Red Wings | Blues

Top Ten Reasons the St. Louis Blosers Suck

  1. Bill Guerin attended more Anger Management classes last season than he had goals.
  2. Towel Boy: It's those treasured traditions that make all the difference
  3. The amount of empty seats in the Keil Center is only exceeded by the team's amount of losses.
  4. The total airspace underneath the Arch is still less than that between Barret Jackman’s ears
  5. Should be renamed the Keil-Over Center.
  6. Hate the Drake!
  7. The only thing longer than a Mark McGwire home run? The length of time since the Blosers made it to the finals
  8. Phonetically, Keith Tkachuk is the same sound as coins being dropped into a toilet.
  9. Legace's only legacy will be that he once played on a winning team.
  10. 39 years. No cup. ' Nuff said

Blues Taunts

  • 1 Sanford: ya big dummy!
  • 1 Sanford: This is the big one, 'Lizabeth!
  • 4 Brewer, you suck as a baseball team, too
  • 5 Jackman, you don’t know jack, man!
  • 13 Hey, it's Bill "Chopper" Guerin
  • 18 hey Dvorak, I've got your New World Symphony right here!
  • 19 Hey D.J. King...I bet you're glad your first name doesn't begin with a B
  • 20 Rivers, your wife says it's more like a trickle
  • 21 Nice play, Ja-maaaal
  • 39 Turn Doug into dead Weight!
  • 46 Polak, you are a joke
  • 58 Hey Dan, I bet you can hit some real high notes, if ya know what I mean
  • 39 years! 39 years! 39 years!

The Blosers Song

(To the melody of the Oscar Mayer Bologna song by the little boy)

These losers have a first name
It's S-A-I-N-T
These losers have a second name
It's L-O-U-I-S
They blow their games in every way
And if you ask their fans they'll say
The Saint Louis Blosers have a way
With S-U-C-K-I-N-G

Top 11 Uses For Blues Playoff Tickets

  1. Line litter box for homeless Arena cats.
  2. Clean up puke for riders on Six Flags roller coasters.
  3. Mop sweat off brow of ex-Blues playing for true Cup contenders.
  4. Crying towels.
  5. Coasters at 14th & Clark
  6. Color them pink, and put 'em on Quenneville and Pleau's desks.
  7. "Hot foot" pranks.
  8. Kindling for sage-burning session.
  9. Arthur Andersen execs can use them for the old "switcheroo" with Enron documents.
  10. Remember to recycle all paper trash!
  11. Color them red, and try to pass them off as Cardinals tickets.
(From Game Night Revue)

Top 11 Things Dallas Drake Hears During A Game

  1. "You mean they gave you $10 mil just to put a bug up my ass?"
  2. "Houston, er, Dallas, we have a problem."
  3. "You were never a figure skater, were you?"
  4. "If you're not careful, we're going to find out if you really do bleed Blue."
  5. "Why couldn't you have signed with an Eastern Conference team?"
  6. "Only two things come from Texas, boy, steers and queers. And I don't see any horns on you."
  7. "If you did more slashing, high-sticking, and kneeing, the Sharks would have given you $20 million."
  8. "I guess you're real glad you don't have to wear that God-awful Phoenix sweater any more."
  9. "How'd you like me to knock out the rest of those teeth, punk?"
  10. "Ungggghhh!"
  11. "Why do they call you Dallas when you're from British Columbia?"
(from Game Night Revue)

Blackhawks | Blue Jackets | Red Wings | Blues

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