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You Suck! - Northeast Division

Bruins | Sabres | Canadiens | Senators | Maple Leafs

Top Ten Reasons the Boston Ruins Suck

  1. Former G.M. Harry Sinden built this franchise with coupons, discount vouchers, Green Stamps, and cereal box tops--and it shows.
  2. Leetch sucks! (But that's redundant)
  3. Not even Man-Ram Rodriguez could help this pathetic offense.
  4. Bruins? Looks more like a bunch of circus bears to me.
  5. Diane Chambers is more frighteningthan Wayne Primeau's tough guy image.
  6. Tom Fitzgerald couldn't score if he had a handful of pardons in a women's prison.
  7. Leetch is sucking the life right out of his team.
  8. Wayne Cashman could revoke his membership in NAARP and still beat the crap out of Jiri Slegr
  9. The Boston Marathon is completed in shorter time thanHal Gill's skating between the blue lines.
  10. Obviously, the Curse of the Bambino has left the Sox and now resides with the Ruins.

More Reasons

  • In 1919 "The Curse of the Bambino" starts for the Red Sox. In 2000 "The Kurse of Keenan" starts for the Ruins (Archived from 2000)
  • Keenan and Patino: two wunderkinds who should take note that past resumes don't mean shinola (2000).
  • The goop in Iron Mike's hair is slicker than whale snot on an ice flow (2000)
  • The difference between Bobby Orr, Derek Sanderson, and Mike Keenan? One's a winner, the second's a weiner, and the third's a whiner (2000).

Boston Taunts

  • 11-Hey, Per-Johan, does GNR’s Rose know you’re calling yourself "Axel's son"?
  • 16-Enough of your Sturm and drang
  • 23-Hey Mara, where' s Stiller?
  • 25-York is a dork
  • 25-York is a peppermint patty
  • 32-Hogan, you're no hero
  • 32-Ho-gan!
  • 32-You play like a little Hulamaniac--which is to say...you suck!
  • 41-Alberts--you're brother sucks as a sportscaster too.

Bruins | Sabres | Canadiens | Senators | Maple Leafs

Top Ten Reasons the Buffalo Gay Blades Suck

  1. Our ex-Johnson is more effectrive than your Peters.
  2. Mair is no stud.
  3. Kotalik ... Afinogenov ... Numminen: Jim Knott’s gonna be hooked on phonics.
  4. Buffalo Wings ... Detroit Sabres ... interchangeable parts for cold, crime-ridden, rust-belt cities at either end of Lake Erie.
  5. Teppo keeps looking for Groucho, Harp, and Zeppo.
  6. Take the amount of fights Andrew Peters actually won last year (4), and multiply that by his reading level (3rd grade), and you get the cumulative IQ (12) of the whole team.
  7. When their TV announcer used to scream "La La La La La La La La La La Fountain" after brittle Patty would score, it would make us la la la la la la la la la vomit.
  8. Number of Cups? Zero. Number of Super Bowl trophies? Zero. The never-ending humiliation: Priceless.
  9. When you think of Buffalo, you think these couplets: "No Goal." "Wide Right." Braves Fold (NBA)." "You Suck."
  10. The whole team has gone to Hecht.

Buffalo Taunts

  • 5-Hey Tony, you got a Lyd-man? How 'bout a nickle bag?
  • 6-Spacek is a sissy
  • 6-Spacek you play like a coal miner's daughter
  • 22-Hey Mair, you play like a horse's behind
  • 27-Numminen!
  • 43-B-double I double-R-O-N: Biron!
  • 43-Biron is a moron
  • 45-We'll be Kalinin your face off the glass
  • 48-Hey Brier, who cut the cheese?

Top Ten Annoying Things About Playing in Buffalo

  • New Jersey Devil Wannabe uniforms
  • Nickname doesn't exactly strike fear into opponents hearts
  • Play doesn't strike fear into opponents hearts either
  • Still nauseous from watching Hasek in goal all those years
  • Pathetic "www.NoGoal.com" web site
  • Having to duck at flying swords on "Sabre Giveaway Night"
  • Playing in an arena with "Marine" in its name
  • Crowds are so quiet you can hear Niagra Falls during games
  • LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ... PAT LAFONTAINE WITH A GOAL!!!!!" still annoying 4 years after his retirement
  • You keep looking at the big scoreboard, just in case it falls again.

Bruins | Sabres | Canadiens | Senators | Maple Leafs

Top Ten Reasons the Montreal Can of Beans Suck

  1. The Province of Quebec keeps threatening to defect from the Canadian Republic. The NHL Board of Governors is hoping that the Canadiens will want to do the same from the rest of the league.
  2. Easy to see why the Expos left Montreal for the inner city bliss of Washington DC
  3. The HABS nickname stands for Hardly Any Body Skates.
  4. Not even Canada's most popular brew (Molson Swill) can tolerate owning this flacid squad of languid losers any longer.
  5. Ironically, Pepe LePew stinks less than these fetid frenchmen.
  6. Alex Kovalev hits higher notes than Celine Dion when he waxes his legs.
  7. If the Forum was the Mecca of Hockey, then the Molson Center must be The Love Canal.
  8. Sacre Blue these guys suck!
  9. To even-out the 23 Stanley Cup Championships, the hockey gods have obviously sentenced this franchise to levels beyond utter despair for the next eon.
  10. Good thinkin' on that Roy trade, fellas.

Montreal Taunts

  • 11-Saku you Suck-u
  • 14-Somebody klang their Bonk
  • 22-Somebody put an end to Begin
  • 22-Begin is just about over
  • 22-Looks like Begin is having trouble getting started
  • 25-Dandenault is a dandy
  • 30-We want an Aebischer not a glass of water
  • 44-Souray is so gay
  • 47-Downey is soft
  • 51-Boullon: no soup for you
  • 52-Hey Craig, when you're penalized for holding is that called Rivet-in?
  • 54-Pat Taverse plays like he's snortin' whisky and drinkin' cocaine
  • 79-Markov is a goof-ov

More Fun

Gay Bad Boy Club of Montreal (Habs draft their enforcers from here)

Ultimate Habs Haters Club

Bruins | Sabres | Canadiens | Senators | Maple Leafs

Top Ten Reasons the Ottawa Senioritas Suck

  1. When you need decisive action, speed, grit, and teamwork you think of a highly skilled politician!
  2. The front line of Naughtious Maximus, Biggus Dickus, and Incontenentia Buttocks is stalwart
  3. When they look in the mirror they see the Quebec Nordiques and Winnipeg Jets (hello, Houston!).
  4. How can the team hold their head high when named after a branch of government?
  5. Ottawa is NHL's smallest market, which , coincidentally, goes along with their cumulative IQ.
  6. Futility of Canadian government in dealing with inflation equaled only by deflation of Sens fans' optimism each April.
  7. When coach Martin told players to put on their sweaters and socks, the guys dressed up like junior high parochial school girls.
  8. The big plumage on their logo helmet must be to make up for deficiencies elsewhere.
  9. The front line of Naughtious Maximus, Biggus Dickus, and Incontenentia Buttocks is stalwart
  10. Gerber Baby!

Ottawa Taunts

  • You can blame Canada!
  • Terrific race the Roman ... terrific (Life of Brian)
  • Stwike him centuwian vewy wuffly (Life of Brian)
  • 11-I thought Alfredsson was Robin?
  • 12-Crush Fisher’s nuts!
  • 19-Spezza is a spazz-a
  • 29-Gerb er is a goober
  • 44-If we knock #44 down, would that be Eaves-dropping?
  • 44-Somebody rake their Eaves
  • 45-Hey, Hamel, you skate more like your sister, Dorothy.

More fun

Canadian World Domination

Bruins | Sabres | Canadiens | Senators | Maple Leafs

Top Ten Reasons the Toronto Maple Leaves Suck

  1. Maple Leafs? Did Elmer Fudd name this team? I guess they have chifes on their baked potatos, and cut them with knifes.
  2. The city that brought us quality canuck rock like April Wine, Triumph, and Max Webster deserves these doily-waving prancers.
  3. When they are allergic to bee stings, do they break out in hifes?
  4. Don't you just hate clofes in your ham? If one gets caught in your throat, you may get the heafs.
  5. There was more noise in Air Canada Arena for the Corey Hart Comeback Tour than when the Leafs score a goal.
  6. When you go to the store, don't forget to pick up a couple loafs of bread.
  7. The 11 points on their leaf logo equals the IQ of Tie Domi.
  8. That Superman Christopher Reefs zigs, zags, and weafs around those tall buildings.
  9. Since when is a maple leaf BLUE?
  10. Don't let me catch you eafsdropping ... it's one of my pet peefs.

Toronto Taunts

  • 28-Domi is a dummy
  • 28-Hey Tie, you look like a medicine ball with ears
  • 13-Hey, Sundin, how’s it feel to be the door Mats every spring??
  • 13-Sundin is a sissy
  • 10-Hit Steen in the spleen
  • 10-Steen is a queen
  • 15-Kaberle plays more like Cabaret
  • 15-Kaberle, I hear you like to whine
  • 24-McCabe McSucks
  • 22-Luke, I am your father
  • 22-Looks like Luke gave i n to the Dork Side of the Farce
  • 25-According to his ex-girlfriend Khavanov doesn't have enough
  • 3-Belak: Spock wants his daddy
  • 88-Lead with your head, Eric
  • 88-Lindros is a sissy
  • 92-O'Neil O'Sucks
  • 16 Tucker is a sucker
  • 37-Who would like to play for the Oilers? Peca would!
  • 37-Who would like $5 million a year? Peca would!
  • 37-Would Peca like a new contract? Yes, Peca would!
  • 37-Would Peca like to score a goal? Yes, Peca would!
  • 37-Would Peca help the Oilers? Yes, Peca would!
  • 37 Would Peca be appreciated on Alberta? Yes, Peca would!

The Maple Leafs Song

(To the melody of the Oscar Mayer Bologna song by the little boy)

These losers have a first name
It's M-A-P-L-E
These losers have a second name
It's L-E-A-F-S
They blow their games in every way
And if you ask their fans they'll say
Toronto’s blue boys have a way
With S-U-C-K-I-N-G

Eddie Belfour is a Sieve

(To the tune of "Frara Jacques")

Eddie Belfour, Eddie Belfour
Is a sieve, is a sieve
Open the garage door, open the garage door
What a sieve, what a sieve!

More Fun

Toronto Gay Hockey Association (Where Maple Leaves draft back-liners)

Lesbian Hockey of Toronto (Where Maple Leaves draft their tough guys)

Home of the loudest fans in the loudest arena in the NHL