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You Suck! - Northwest Division

Flames | Avalanche | Oilers | Wild | Canucks

Top Ten Reasons the Calgary Femmes Suck

  1. Not sure what is flaming in Calgary other than Tony Amonte’s Boys Ranch.
  2. Saddle Dome? Why not Bucket Seat Coliseum, Rockies Recliner, or Lawn Chair Forum?
  3. A Rocky Mountain elk with a broken femur could skate better than Chris Simon.
  4. Their arena looks like a maxi-pad with wings.
  5. When Bret "The Hitman" Hart is your most famous "sportsman" you've got a long way to go.
  6. The weight of so many losing seasons has sagged their coliseum's roof.
  7. Roman Hamrlik sounds like some sort of gladiator perversion.
  8. Two words for this franchise’s very near future: Oklahoma City
  9. Dudley Do-Right and the Royal Mounties... 'nuff said.
  10. When your arch-rival in anything is Edmonton, you inhale big time!

Calgary Taunts

  • 3 Phaneuf is a poof
  • 4 Hey, Hammer-lick, what you do with your tools in your spare time is your own business
  • 8 Ferrence is a fairy
  • 11 It’s Yelle as in Yell-ow!
  • 11 There’s no need to Yelle. Stop the Yelle-ing!
  • 18 Lombardi, you would suck even in Green Bay
  • 19 Kobesew kobe-sucks
  • 24,29 Jamie's cry-yi-in" (Lundmark and McLennan)
  • 25 Darren McCarty is a girl!
  • 26 Nilson: I can't live if livin' is without you
  • 34 Kipprusoff kippru-sucks!

Q: Why is a bra better than the Calgary Flames?
A: Because a bra has two cups

More Fun

Bearback Club of Calgary (New source of players for the Femmes)


Flames | Avalanche | Oilers | Wild | Canucks

Top Ten Reasons the Colorado Candypants Suck

  1. Come playoff time, Joe Walsh has considered changing his song title to "Rocky Mountain No-Way."
  2. Just like their NBA co-tenant Nuggets, these guys won't flush all the way down.
  3. Anti Laaksonnen ... what is that ... some sort of stool softener?
  4. Their moniker describes plummeting uncontrollably on a downhill slide (sounds like the "agony of defeat" guy on "The Wide World of Sports."
  5. Pierre Turgeon spends off-season giving lap dances at Bruce and Geoffrey's Rodeo Showbar.
  6. Joe keeps complaining that his pants pinch his nut-sack-ic.
  7. Their locker room has become known as "The Mile High Club" in alternative lifestyle circles.
  8. I hear the team likes to dance around the May Pole!
  9. As their name indicates, they will be all wet, cold, and buried in the playoffs.
  10. Sakik makes us sickic.

More Reasons

  • Not even John Elway on skates could help these guys win a meaningful game.
  • Icelandic midget singer/actress Bjork been asked to play lead role in "Ray Borque Story." (Archived from 2000)

Colorado Taunts

  • 6 Hey Finger, be careful with Tootoo--just ask Tyler Wright
  • 7 Boychuk you Boy-suck
  • 19 Sakik, you suck-ic
  • 19 Sakik plays like a sack-o-crap
  • 19 Sackic has no sack
  • 19 Nut-Sak-ik
  • 23 Hehduk you Hey-Suck
  • 87 & 10 Turgeon and May are happy and gay
  • 87 Pee-hair Turd-john?
  • 87 Turgeon is a girly man
  • 14 LaPierrier is a dierierre
  • 34 Hey Sauer, why so bitter?

The Andrew Brunette (15) Slow Skater Shrine

Square Wheels! Squaaare Wheeels! Squaaaaaare Wheeeeeels! Squaaaaaaaaaare Wheeeeeeeeeeels!
Hey, Brunette, unhitch that trailer
Hey, Brunette, you’ve got lots of up and down, but not much forward
Hey, Brunette, we could time you with a sun dial
Hey, Brunette, are you pullin’ a trailer with a piano in it?
Hey, Brunette, we could sequence photos of you skating with a polaroid camera
Hey, Brunette, tumbleweeds roll uphill faster than you
Hey, Brunette, you skate slower than a fat girl chasing a chihuahua up a staircase
Hey, Brunette, you should have a disclaimer on your jersey that says “allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.”
Hey, Brunette, I’ve seen better legs on a chair
Hey, Brunette, if you were in a two-man fifty yard dash with a pregnant woman, you’d come in THIRD
Hey, Brunette, it looks like you prefer three rights turns to one left
Hey, Brunette, you’re as slow as steam coming off of pookey
They say blondes are slow, but this Brunette proves that theory wrong
Someone call U-Haul—one of their long bed, wide body vans is on the loose!
Hey, Brunette, any slower and you’d be in reverse
Hey, Brunette, it’s hard to believe you beat out 100,000 other sperm
Hey, Brunette, you’re pedaling real fast, but you’re not getting anywhere
Hey, Brunette, you’re so slow, you’d have to speed up to stop
Hey, Brunette, you’re so slow, they have to drive stakes in the ice to measure your progress
Hey, Brunette, you’re so slow, it takes you an hour to cook Minute Rice
Brunette’s not slow…he’s big boned
Hey, Brunette, I’ve seen better moves at a paraplegic midget dance
…you skate like Pacman: “waka, waka, waka,waka!”
…what’s the matter, you need a running start?
…I’ve seen more movement in a statue
…Hey, Jabba, did Hans Solo ever pay up?
…you skate like you’re moving furniture
…your average speed is slower than a hippo on stilts
…put some wheels on that wagon you’re pulling
…you’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
…are your skates nailed to the ice?
…you’re so slow, I saw you on an escalator yesterday…and passed you!
…I’ve seen better movement in a bedpan
…your team bus could navigate the ice better than you
…you move like a potted plant
…maybe someday you’ll learn to play that piano you’re pulling
…I’ve seen better legs in a bucket of chicken
…what’s the matter? Are you wearin’ your sister’s skates?
…I’ve seen better legs in a bucket of chicken


Flames | Avalanche | Oilers | Wild | Canucks

Top Ten Reasons the Edmonton Toilers Suck

  1. The vastness of Alberta's frozen tundra is meager compared to Cory Cross’ brain cavity.
  2. The town that brought us Bachman Turner Overweight hasn't been "takin' care of business."
  3. The 16 years since their last Stanley Cup equals their cumulative IQ.
  4. Head Coach MacTavish will be MacWishing for some MacVictories.
  5. The growth rate of their youth movement is as flat as the Alberta plains.
  6. It's spelled S-M-Y-T-H but it's pronounced "Bone-head"
  7. Even the faithful pronounce their former owner's name "Sucklington."
  8. When your arch rival in anything is Calgary, you suck with dedication.
  9. Hope they bring plenty of lubrication to each game, ‘cause they’re gonna need it.
  10. They traded Wayne Gretzky--need more be said?

Edmonton Taunts

  • 10 Horcoff—is that a Call Girl with bronchitis?
  • 14 Hey Raffit Torres…cut my lawn
  • 16 Stoll is a troll
  • 18 Ethan, you play like you're from the Island of Doctor Moreau
  • 19 When you're benched, does that make the coach Un-Reasoner-ble?
  • 26 Winchester: You’re wife says you shoot blanks
  • 26 Winchester: Hawkeye says you play like Charles Emerson...
  • 34 Pisana is a piss-ant
  • 34 I gotta take a Piss-ana
  • 71 Sykora is a sick-bag
  • 71 Sykora you suck-ora

More fun:

Alberta Rockies Gay Rodeo Association (Player pool for Toilers)


Flames | Avalanche | Oilers | Wild | Canucks

Top Ten Reasons the Minnesota Mild Suck

  1. The North Stars moved to Dallas, and the Mild's fortunes will "head south" in a hurry, too.
  2. Oscar Wilde was more intimidating.
  3. Ice fishing will be a more scintillating spectacle than this team, and will probably draw bigger crowds.
  4. What in the name of Sweet Fancy Moses is that logo supposed to be? A lake, some trees, and stars…ooooh, we're all a quiver with fear.
  5. One wonders how Boogaard felt when he was “picked” in the draft?
  6. Kent Hrbeck, Bill Musselmen, Prince, and Kurt "Mr. Perfect" Hennig.
  7. Their name sounds like an WNBA team's.
  8. There's more intensity in a "Prairie Home Companion" broadcast.
  9. Their fans made Jesse "The Body" Ventura their governor.
  10. It'll now be known as "The Land of 10,000 Losses."

More Reasons

  • What's up with the lame name? Wild is an adjective, not a noun, ya ninnies!
  • The original "Mighty Ducks" movie originated in Minnesota….what a source of hockey pride that must bring!

Minnesota Taunts

  • 3 Carney--go make me a corndog
  • 3 Carney, go back to the Tilt-A-Whirl
  • 5 Hey Kim (Johnson) will they let your husband play, too?
  • 8 Mr. Burns, Smithers want to see you
  • 10 Marion the Librarian
  • 18 Weinhandl?! Why not Beer holder? Or Liquor Grip?
  • 21 Is that winger any good? Parrish the thought?
  • 21 Parrish means...you're dead
  • 24 Hey Boogaard, blow your nose
  • 24 Hey number 24, when you make a mistake can we say you boogaared-up?
  • 35 Manny is a tranny
  • 35 Manny Fernandez cuts my lawn
  • 37 Tear down the Walz!
  • 41 Someone take Martin to Skoula
  • 96 Bouchard is a douche-ard
  • 96 Nice play there, Water Boy
  • 96 Hey Bobby Bouchard, you can doooo-eat!

Flames | Avalanche | Oilers | Wild | Canucks

Top Ten Reasons the Vancouver Can Openers Suck

  1. The city that birthed Loverboy and Bryan Adams has hatched a foofy team to match
  2. When your citizens go to Seattle to get away from the fog and rain, you've got problems
  3. Isn’t "canuck" the sound a sabre tooth tiger makes when it coughs up a hairball?
  4. Proudly calling yourself a Canuck in Canada is like braggin' about being a Cracker in Georgia
  5. Multiply the total population of British Columbia (2,746,515) by the number of Cups they've won, and you still get zero
  6. The Sedin Twins are two, two, two wimps in one.
  7. Vancouver's total days of sunshine per annum (21) equals the team's cumulative IQ
  8. What IS a Canuck...Pig Latin for a k-nuckle?
  9. It’s in their contracts that Hernrick and Daniel Sedin have to skate like the Olson twins.
  10. Vancouver rhymes with Hoover, which means "You Suck"

Vancouver Taunts

  • 6 Salo you suck-o
  • 24 Cooke is a schnook
  • 33/22 (For Sedin twins) Look--it's Mary Kate and Ashley on skates!
Flames | Avalanche | Oilers | Wild | Canucks

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