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You Suck! - Pacific Division

Ducks | Stars | Kings | Coyotes | Sharks

Top Ten Reasons the Anaheim Mighty Sucks Suck

  1. Whenever you think intense hockey action, think savage, stick-wielding mallards
  2. Current ownership bought team by mistake on E-bay.
  3. Their aqua green and burgundy color scheme would make even a '56 Buick look uglier
  4. Their logo has been labeled “indescribably malicious.”
  5. The Pond is about as rowdy as the Crystal Cathedral
  6. The vacuous gap in Pronger's smile assists greatly whenever he inhales a golf ball through a garden hose.
  7. Their mascot caught fire leaping through a circle of flames. Need more be said?
  8. "Fantasia," "Cinderella," "Snow White," "Swiss Family Robinson," "Pinnochio"…."The Mighty Ducks?" Walt must be spinning in his grave
  9. New Disneyland attraction commemorating the Mighty Sucks exploits called "It's a Small Winning Percentage After All"
  10. They love to play “Duck, Duck, Lose”

Anaheim Taunts

  • 8: Somebody slap their Sulanne
  • 8: Sulanne has soft features
  • 15: Getzlaf is a goof-off
  • 18: Moran is a mor-on
  • 19: Hey, McDonald, where’s your farm ... E-I-E-I-O!
  • 19: Hey, MacDonald, I’ve got your Happy Meal right here
  • 22: Todd Merchant is a turd merchant
  • 24: Christov is a goof-ov
  • 25: Proner is a sissy
  • 25: Pronger, you could floss with a clothes line
  • 25: Pronger, you clould floss with a construction site extension cord
  • 25: Pronger, your smile looks like a 7-10 split
  • 35: Hey, Jean Sebastian: dosen’t look like you’re getting’ jiggy wid it
  • 29: Federuk you Fedo-suck
  • 61: (Perry) Hey, Corey, do you wear your sunglasses at night?
  • 61: Perry is a fairy
  • 44/27: Hey, Neidermayer, Bluto wants you back at Animal House
  • 44/27: Neidermayer: “Twisted Sister?! What kind of sick, perverted crap is that?!”
  • 44/27: Neidermayer: “What are you gonna DO with your life?!”
  • 44/27: Neidermayer: “What kind of a man are you?”
  • 44/27: Neidermayer: “What is that? A Pledge Pin?”
  • 44/27: Neidermayer: “You’re worthless and weak!”
  • 44/27: Neidermayer: “I carried an M-16 and you carry that disgusting electric twanger.”
  • 44/27: Neidermayer: “Twisted Sister? What kind of sick, perverted crap is that?!”

The Silly Ducks Song

(To the melody of the Oscar Mayer Bologna song by the little boy)

These losers have a first name
It's S-I-L-L-Y
These losers have a second name
It's D-U-C-K-S
They blow their games every day
And if you ask their fans they'll say
These ugly ducklings have a way
With S-U-C-K-I-N-G

More Fun

Get In Touch With Your Inner Duck/Center for Duck Studies


Ducks | Stars | Kings | Coyotes | Sharks

Top Ten Reasons the Dallas Scars Suck

  1. Right about now I bet they wished they HAD traded Lindros for Houlder.
  2. Steve Ott should get a sex change to become a man. Ott not! Ott to! Ott not! Ott to!
  3. Mike Madano is too good lookin' to be a man.
  4. The 5 points of their logo equals their cumulative IQ.
  5. Zubov is Russian for "Flamboyant Toadie Boy."
  6. Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin’, tryin’ to give birth to another Texan.
  7. Sue Ellen Ewing could hit harder than that candypants Lehtinen.
  8. Deon Sanders, Michael Irvin, Nate Newton, Troy Aikman, Jimmy Johnson, Chris Benoit, Barry Switzer, Bill Parcells, John Madden, and especially Jerry Johnson.
  9. Their uniforms match the color scheme of the Grassy Knoll.
  10. We’re supposed to see Stars but all we see is Uranus.

Dallas Taunts

  • 6 Daley plays gayley!
  • 6 Hey Daley, you’re wife says your name should be more like Monthly.
  • 9 Moron-o...Moron-o...Moron-o...
  • 9 Mikey is a Pretty Boy
  • 9 Madano: Dog Food
  • 9 Hey Madoano, how’s that Prina endorsement coming along?
  • 9 Hey Madono, I got your Milk Bone right here!
  • 14 We’re not yelling "Stuuuu," we’re yelling "Yoooooou Sucuuuck!"
  • 15 Hey Hagman, where's your brother Larry? That TV show sucked, too.
  • 20 Anti Miettinen: Don’t go changing your name—just wear gloves instead
  • 26 Hey Jere, some guy's knockin' on the door. You better Lehtinen.
  • 29 Knock the snot outta Ott.
  • 35 Turco is a jerk-o
  • 35 Turco, we hated your investigative reports on Channel
  • 2
  • 36 Jokinen is just not that funny
  • 43 Boucher is a douche-ay
  • 56 Zubov is a Zissy!
  • 77 Barnaby is a dickweed
  • 77 Hey Barnaby: only 3 more teams and you'll have played for everyone in the entire league
  • 88 Hey Eric, lead with your head
  • 88 Lindros is a baby

Ducks | Stars | Kings | Coyotes | Sharks

Top Ten Reasons the L.A. Things Suck

  1. The attempt to "blend" their bruises and contusions with black and purple uniforms only mildly successful
  2. The 7.6 on the Richter Scale of the last big quake equals their cumulative IQ
  3. LeBrea Tar Pits have a better skating surface than Staples Center
  4. If Jack Nicholson was a rinkside season ticket holder they would suck only slightly less
  5. Trendy fans often only see 2nd period of game (arrive late, leave early)
  6. Mathieu Garon is French for "Jeff Spicolli."
  7. A Hollywood coach would lobby for Mr. T at center, Rambo on D, and the Incredible Hulk in goal ... which might actually be an improvement
  8. Lubimor Visnovsky is apparently some sort of Russian nasal decongestant.
  9. Home arena is named after the suters used in Sean Avery’s skull after frontal lobotomy
  10. Hollywood types that populate their games is like a huge bowl of granola--what ain't flakes are fruits and nuts

Los Angeles Taunts

  • 4 Blake is a flake
  • 15 Stop the Mad Cowan disease from spreading
  • 19 Avery: Turtle
  • 19 Avery is a wussy
  • 19 Avery! Label yourself and mail yourself home!
  • 23 What can Brown do for you? Apparently not much.
  • 26 Avery fondly remembers Parros in the springtime
  • 39 Knock Cloutier on his bootier

We Hate L.A.

(To the tune of "Lola" by the Kinks)

The Kings come from southern Califor-ni-a
Their players wear purple & black training bras
We sing oh ya
We hate L.A. oh ya

We're not dumb, but we can't understand
Why they skate like women but look like men
We sing oh ya
We hate L.A. oh ya
We hate L.A. oh ya
Oh ya, we hate L.A. oh ya
We hate L.A. oh ya

Oh ya, we hate L.A. oh ya
We hate L.A. oh ya

They ask the Predators if they'd like to dance
Our team kicks their tails, they start pooping their pants
We sing oh ya
We hate L.A. oh ya

Well the Kings aren't the world's most physical guys
And when the Preds hit 'em hard it nearly broke their spines
We sing oh ya
We hate L.A. oh ya
We hate L.A. oh ya

Oh ya, We hate L.A. oh ya
We hate L.A. oh ya
(repeat)


Ducks | Stars | Kings | Coyotes | Sharks

Top Ten Reasons the Phoenix Peyotes Suck

  1. To try to catch up with their speedy opponents, the Coyotes strap on ACME Rocket Skates with oft-times hilarious .
  2. Their effort on the rink is like howling at the moon: it's pointless and irritates everyone around them.
  3. Oddly enough, Ladislov Nagy means "wild dog licking balls in Slovakian.
  4. As Wiley Coyote is to the forces of gravity in deep canyons, so is this team to playoff performances.
  5. Front office staff passed with straight A's in the Bud Bidwell Sports Management degree at ASU.
  6. Obviously, Gretzsky didn't consult with his doctor before finding out if Saprykin was right for him.
  7. Misinformed coaching staff ordered 24 sets of ACME suction cups to keep team from sliding on slippery ice.
  8. Tyson Nash is to hockey what Steven Urkel is to "Family Matters."
  9. Phoenix makes us heave---but it's a DRY heave.
  10. How are opponents of Mike Tyson and the Coyotes the same? Neither one ever makes it out of the first round.

Coyote Taunts

  • 17 Nagy makes me gag-y
  • 17 I’d like to have an Acme Portable Hole for Nagy to fall into
  • 18 Turn Tyson into Nash potatoes
  • 18 Smash Nash
  • 18 What are ya Tyson, chicken?
  • 19 Somebody crush Doan’s pills
  • 19 Make Doan groa
  • n
  • 40 Ricci, is that your face, or does your butt have a nose?
  • 35 Smooth move there, Suave
  • 37 Laroque La-sucks
  • 7
  • 7 Nice cheesy taters there, Gratton
  • 97 Hot Roenick in the groin-ick
  • Spay these desert dogs!

Ducks | Stars | Kings | Coyotes | Sharks

Top Ten Reasons the San Jose Tarts Suck

  1. Being just down the street from San Fran, they are caught in the gravitational pull of Barry Bond's Jupiter-like head.
  2. Their once trendy black and teal uniforms should be put back in the 1991 Merry Go Round catalogue
  3. Vesa Toskala is Finnish for "Hi Tech Sodomite"
  4. Nearly half of the San Francisco Bay fog drifts out of Scott Parker's cranial cavity
  5. The Shark Tank should be called the Tart Wank.
  6. Their mascot got stuck hanging upside down above the arena for 45 minutes one night...how apropos
  7. Fans still root for Bay Area Bombers on Roller Derby reruns
  8. Mega Byte this!
  9. They think they're frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads!
  10. Being from Silicon Valley it's clear they are both micro and soft

San Jose Taunts

  • 6: It's Gorges George
  • 7: Somebody ring their Bell
  • 7: Hit Bell in the ding-dong
  • 10: Hey Christian, your play makes me at to become an athiest
  • 10: Erhoff is a jag-off!
  • 11: Goc you SOCK!
  • 11: Goc makes me gack!
  • 12: Hey, Marleau, you play like "That Girl."
  • 14: Cheechoo, our Tootoo wants ta meetch-you
  • 14: Chee-Chew on this!
  • 14: Chee Choo, meet Tootoo
  • .
  • 15: Hey, Korolyuk! Is that your name or a description of your underpants?
  • 18: Carle, you're so vain, prob'ly think this taunt is about you
  • 20: Evegeni Nobokov: The human Word Jumble.
  • 20: Nobokov is a goof-ov
  • 25 Grier is a queer
  • 37 What can Brown do for you? Not much, apparently

More Fun

Q: What do you call a criminal with 8 guns who terrorizes the ocean?
A: Billy the Squid

Q: What do you give a fish that's going deaf?
A: A herring aid

Q: How do you shoot a blue shark?
A: With a blue shark spear gun.

Q: How do you shoot a great white shark?
A: Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun.

Q: If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called?
A: Loch Jaws.

Q: Where does a shark go on vacation?
A: Fin-land.

Can These Losers Play in San Jose?

(To the tune of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?")

Can these losers play in San Jose?
These sharks have no teeth
And their teal and black fins are bent sideways

Doesn't their team look gay in San Jose?
They don't really skate as much
As they swish, prance, and sashay

How's their goalie play in San Jose?
Like a bull fighter he waves
At the puck, we say "Ole!"

What tastes good with fish in San Jose?
The Preds recommend white wine
Steamed veggies and shark pate

Do they like to pray in San Jose?
They better learn quickly
The Preds will take their lives today

Can they win? Now way in San Jose!
The silicon valley
Is both micro and soft by the bay

San Jose Sucks

(to the tune of "Jingle Bell Rock")

San Jose, San Jose, San Jose sucks
Parker's a big jerk, Stuart's bad luck
Marleau's butt-ugly, and Primeau's a schmuck
That's why San Jose,
That's why San Jose,
That's why San Jose sucks!

San Jose is Comin' to Town

(to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town")
Oh, they're tryin' their luck
To bury the puck
But everyone in Nashville knows that they suck
San Jose is comin' to town

The Bottom Feeder (Humorous Sharks Hockey site)

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