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You Suck! - Southeast Division

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Top Ten Reasons the Atlanta Thrashed Suck

  1. Their mascot is a bird three inches long, weighing less than two ounces, which sends spikey shards of fear through the souls of their opponents.
  2. Sherman's march to the sea was less brutal than a normal Thrashers performance.
  3. Their line-up is not so much made of "has beens" as "never weres."
  4. The Falcons, Hawks, and Thrashers play in front of more empty seats than a Men Without Hats Reunion Tour.
  5. Their winning percentage was so poor their first three seasons that they will have to go undefeated for 17 straight years to get back to .500.
  6. Their +/- rankings make the NASDAQ index look like a stairway to heaven.
  7. Attention Thrashers fans ... it's called NOISE. Try making some if you can.
  8. The thickness and shape of Andy Sutton's skull is equal to that of Stone Mountain.
  9. Georgians can be proud of a hockey team with a great name and a winning tradition: The Macon Whoopee.
  10. Never has brown in a uniform so aptly represented the look, smell, temperature, and texture of a franchise.

More Reasons

  • New amusement park is opening in Georgia this season: "6 Flags Over Catastrophe Land."
  • The Los Angeles Clippers have found their soul-mate.
  • Tomahawk chop this!
  • Unbelievably, things could get worse... remember when Ted Turner managed the Braves for a few games in the early 80's?
  • If Jane Fonda fell asleep attending Braves playoff games in the 90's, she's going for a self-inflicted dirt nap at her first Thrashers game (archive from 1999).

Atlanta Taunts

  • 1 Hedberg is a headcase
  • 6 Popovic you popo-suck
  • 6 Popovic makes me sick
  • 7 Somebody void DeVries
  • 16 I gotta take a little squirt, not a Holik
  • 17 Kovalchuck koval-sucks
  • 18 Marian (Hossa) the librarian
  • 21 MacKenzie: Take off, ya hoser
  • 21 MacKenzie: Who horked your talent, eh?
  • 21 MacKenzie: Go get some donuts, back bacon, and beer
  • 23 Turn Slater into a crater
  • 23 I'm officially a Slater Hater
  • 23 Does your sister Helen being Supergirl give you an inferiority complex?
  • 28 Do you have-a-lid, or just a nickel bag?
  • 32 Somebody's knockin' at the door--will you Lehtonen?
  • 34 Hnidy wears a nightie
  • 36 Boulton, your brother Michael's music sucks too
  • 38 Haydar has high-powered Gay-dar
  • 40 Hey, Brathwaite, stand up...oh, wait...you ARE standing up.
  • 40 Hey Fred (Brathwaite), Where's Barney, Wilma, and Pebbles?
  • 40 Hey, Fred: Yabba Dabba Doooo! (anytime he makes a save)

Thrashers | Hurricanes | Panthers | Lightning | Capitals

Top Ten Reasons the Carolina Tobacco Stains Suck

  1. They used to be the Hartford Whalers ... need more be said?
  2. They could vacate all of the trailer parks in North Carolina and still not fill the empty seats at their home games
  3. Not even fellow Carolinian Ric Flair's sagging pecs could help these panty wastes
  4. Jesse Helms has more liver spots than they have season ticket holders
  5. Gary Bettman's worst nightmare: the 'Stains won the Stanley Cup and their fans are using it as a spittoon
  6. They average more empty seats per home game than all the known stars of the cosmos
  7. Crash Davis and the Durham Bulls have a better chance at winning the Cup
  8. N.A.S.C.A.R: North And South Carolinians Avoid Rink
  9. The lack of attendance is one of two traditions carried over from their storied stay in Hartford. The other: insurmountable losses
  10. Just like their moniker, they blow long and hard

Carolina Taunts

  • North Carolina: 8 million people and 15 last names.
  • 6 Hedican is a head-i-case
  • 6 Hey Bret, your wife says it should be more like Hedi-can't
  • 5 Kaberle, I hear you like to whine
  • 25 What you talkin' about, Willis?
  • 22 Commodore, you play D like Vandy
  • 26 Cole is a troll
  • 32 Hulse has no pulse
  • 36 I hear Boulerice is the San Fransico treat!
  • 36 Hey, Boulerice, you must REALLY take that high carb diet seriously
  • 39 Beliissimo is a sissy-mo
  • 45 Tanabe is a wannabe
  • 47 Now that you play in Carolina, does that make you a Graham Cracker?
  • 48 Babchuck Bab-Sucks!
  • 59 LaRose La-Sucks
  • 59 LaRose is a LaPrick
  • 61 Stillman...precious!
  • 71 Skate, Forrest, skate!

3 Great Marketing Moves By the Carolina Hockey Team:

  • Name your team after a natural disaster that destroys your region at least once every 4 years
  • Slice your own wrists
  • Then pour several pounds of salt into your open wounds

Thrashers | Hurricanes | Panthers | Lightning | Capitals

Top Ten Reasons the Florida Prancers Suck

  1. The WPGA Headquarters down the road has more hair on their bodies
  2. Jay Bouwmeester couldn't punch his way out of a wet paper bag
  3. Der Fuhrer: Mike Keenan
  4. The nation hasn't seen this much twisted wreckage and scattered debris since Hurricane Hugo
  5. There's way more action on South Beach than in their offensive zone
  6. Mike Keenan brings the arts of berating, cajoling, threatening, stonewalling, manipulating, toying, criticizing, and lambasting players to new lows ... and that's his OWN team!
  7. "The Bird Cage" had a more fearsome lineup
  8. Just the fact that they're in the same state as the Elian Gonzalez and "loose chads" debacles means they chomp
  9. Keenan's insistance that the team read "Mein Kampf".
  10. The only things their fans throw on the ice now are their cookies

Panther Taunts:

  • 4 Knock Bouwmeester on his fat kiester
  • 9 Weiss is a wuss
  • 10 Hey Roberts, how are those anger management courses coming along?
  • 12 Olli Jokinen? Sounds like Crusty the Clown's sidekick
  • 20 Eddie, you bear an uncanny and downright SPOOKY resemblance to Ernest T. Bass
  • 20 Eddie B. is Ernest T
  • 20 Hey, Eddie, we're callin' you a CREET-CHURE!
  • 20 You play more like Eddie the Beagle: Panting, drooling, and barking at nothing in particular
  • 20 Ask not for whom the Belfour tolls, it tolls for thee
  • 20 Ed-die Bel-four: Al-cho-ho-lic
  • 20 The reason Eddie plays with such reckless abandon is because he IS a drunken, disorderly, stumbling booze hound
  • 23 Gelinas plays with the tenacity of gelatin
  • 24 Lay down Salei
  • 24 Sneakin Salei through the alley
  • 44 Bertuzzi is Belfour's flooz
  • y
  • 44 Bertuzzi has no clue-sy
  • 44 Bertuzzi is a bleeder
  • 44 Bertuzzi: Jail bird
  • 44 Todd is a clod
  • 55 Jackman, you don't know jack, man
  • 77 Hey, Gratton, who cut the cheese?
  • 77 Hey Gratton, love your cheesy taters

Top Ten Gripes of Playing Under Mike Keenan

  1. Don't mind referring to him as "Your Excellency," but having to kiss his ring.
  2. Locks you alone in rooms for hours on end in order to "psych" you up for games.
  3. Decides to trade you, then doesn't, only to go through with it next day, then back off.
  4. "He makes more money than our Franchise Player!"
  5. Practice sessions and skate-arounds with live explosions and ammunition fired.
  6. You want to shove some of that ice he chews down his freaking throat.
  7. He trades away 3 of your friends and all your pads for an orangutan and 4 bananas.
  8. Drafts a forward from Mongolia in the first round.
  9. Being sent down to the IHL or AHL is starting to look really appealing.
  10. He decides nobody deserves the Captaincy, so he gives himself the "C".

More fun:

UpsetPanthers Fans Web Site
Thrashers | Hurricanes | Panthers | Lightning | Capitals

Top Ten Reasons the Tampa Bay Frightening Suck

  1. When you're regularly being outdrawn by the bingo halls of Bradenton, you're in serious sewage.
  2. Announcer Phil Esposito could still outscore LeCavalier--and could probably put more pucks in the net as well.
  3. The average bug-zapper on a St. Petersburg back deck draws larger gatherings, and offers twice the excitement.
  4. The geriatric ward at Clearwater General Hospital could out skate these sloths.
  5. The empty seats at the Ice Palace are proof that the Lightning are actually lightening the tourist trade of the Gulf Coast.
  6. Vince McMahon has approached Pul Kubina about becoming a new character dubbed "The Rag Mop."
  7. New Port Richie's "80 'n' Up Shuffleboard Team" was clocked faster than LeCavalierís slap shot.
  8. Their fans are now voluntarily driving off the Sunshine Bay Bridge.
  9. The blueprint for suck-sess? The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Hey, bring back the peach and orange uni's while you're at it.
  10. If football is King of Florida, then the Lightning most certainly are the Queens.

More Reasons

  • A visit to Salvador Dali's Surrealism Museum seems quite natural after attending a Lightning game.

Tampa Bay Taunts

  • 4 Vinny is a whiner
  • 7 Luke obviously gave in to the Dork Side of the Farce
  • 21 Hey Sarich, you Su-ruck
  • 22 You're in hot water, Boyle
  • 22 Somebody lance their Boyle
  • 27 Tim "The Tool Ma" taylor, Al Borlick could outplay you
  • 27 Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, your pansy neighbor Wilson could out-hit you
  • 54 Hey Ranger, wrong team, you nimrod
  • 71 Kuba is a freakin' communist
  • 71 Hey Kuba, where's Castro you pinko?

Tampa Bay Lightning 2006-2007 Schedule and Changes

Revised Schedule to Opponents (29 teams to replace NHL competition)

  • Shiloh Junior High School Pantherettes
  • Greater Clearwater Birdwatchers Brigade
  • Cub Scout Troop #108
  • Bruce's Bun Fun Bevy Beauty Salon
  • St. Paul's Academy for the Blind
  • Golden Agers Badminton Association
  • Lakeland Venereal Disease Clinic
  • Plant City Ukelele Appreciation Society
  • Brecksville Girls Club
  • Lincoln High School Chess Club
  • Spanish American War Vets
  • Richard Simmon's Deal-A-Meal Distributors
  • Vienna Boys Choir
  • Brownie Den Mothers of Newport Richie
  • Saint Anne's Crippled Childrens Home
  • Interior Decorators Institute
  • Quadraplegics 'R Us
  • Girls Scout Troop #353
  • Bradenton Mental Hospital
  • Wesley United Methodist Awanas
  • Lily Pads Thespian Extravaganza
  • Soccer Moms Support Group
  • Tallahasee Aids Hospice
  • YWCA "Lil' Sprouts" Gymnastics Jamboree
  • South Beach Gay Pride Parade Steering Committee
  • Central Florida Leper Colony
  • Sarasota Chuckee Cheese Dish Crew
  • Show Tunes Kareoke Cadre
  • Brotherly Union Pacifists Pact

Rule Changes from Last Season

  • When playing polio patients, the Lightning must not disconnect knee braces
  • When playing the Blind Academy, the Lightning must not hide the puck under their jerseys.
  • Lightning can no longer call "slipsies" or "do-over" when they fall on the ice.

Rules the Same from Last Season

  • A victory (this is when your team scores more than their opponent for all you Lightning fans who have never seen this) is still worth 2 (two) points in the standings.
  • The Lightning will be allowed 9 men on the ice at all times.
  • The Lightning will be allowed to substitute with their "Puck Bunnies" fan club at any time.
  • The Lightning will be awarded 5 time-outs (also known as potty breaks and snack times) per game.

Name Change:

The Tampa Bay Lightning moniker will be changed to "The Tampa Bay Tampon" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.

Coaching Change:

John Tortorella will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!
Thrashers | Hurricanes | Panthers | Lightning | Capitals

Top Ten Reasons the Washington Crapitals Suck

  1. Watching this team is Capital punishment.
  2. Former Mayor Marion Berry scored more than this anemic offense
  3. Their marketing slogan: "A quarter century of futility, crushed dreams, and embarrassment"
  4. Even though he's retired, Dale Hunter STILL makes the list
  5. The only place with more indecent activities than the MCI Center is the White House
  6. The way this team plays is a Capital offense.
  7. Kolzig's woeful goal total of last season is still 3 higher than the team's cumulative IQ
  8. Coach Hanlon is now marketing his "Hockey for Quitters" video series.
  9. Ovechkin is Russian for "Worst traffic in the nation"
  10. Putt-Putt Association of America wants to trademark "Holie the Goalie"

Capital Taunts

  • 17 Chris Clark, you suck as a 2nd rate news anchor also
  • 27 Clymer, you write a wank-spash of a sports column too
  • 47 It's the Ghost and Mrs. Muir
  • 87 Brashear, your cro-magna man routine has become tiresome
  • 87 Hey, Brasher, I hope next time its a full swing to your skull

More Fun

The Capital Bee (Washington DC satire)

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